Sorry

Hey Guys Sorry for being Gone for so long things sort of just happened and my health decided to be a bitch and say “screw you”. Any way I’m back. To those who wish to know what happened continue reading if not then this is all you need to no. just saying it hasnt been a secret so feel free to ask questions after you finish reading if you want. if you have been through the same crap i have please speak up as id love to know that i have a friend out there who understands as a primary sufferer.

So anyway. my health had been doing this 50/50 back and forth thing with me for the past year or so and then about mid April early May I started to get worse. my throat was in agony i couldn’t speak, i could barely swallow, breathing had become a bit of a problem and i was relying on two of my mums strong migraine meds just to get me through half of the night, these things were supposed to knock you out for several hours (i may be exaggerating a bit I’m not sure), mum thought that i had tonsillitis at one point. Anyway so it got to the painful point where i had to go to the hospitals night doctor on call….the funny part was that it was my regular GP that was on call that night and i was all like ‘i swear i’m not stalking you lol’. so he was all apologetic because i was crying from the pain because he had to have a feel of my neck to get an idea of what was going wrong. it was then organised for me to get some blood tests done and an ultrasound on my neck in the next few weeks. the blood test came back negative on everything. but the ultrasound revealed a mysterious node on the left side of my thyroid. so then it was organized the week after the ultrasound results that i would get an FNAB (fine needle aspiration biopsy) basically they were going to put a needle in my neck and grab a sample of whatever it was in my neck. So then a few days later it was revealed that i had a category 5 suspicion of  papillary carcinoma of the thyroid (just a fancy way of saying that that they were pretty sure i had thyroid cancer because there were only 6 categories of suspicion). So then a week later we saw a specialist to either confirm or deny these results (i was praying to God that it wasn’t true) but it was confirmed and i sat shocked in the reception room while mum talked with the receptionist about dates for surgery. all the while i was thinking CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, im only 19 why is this happening to me. lol one of the dates was on my birthday and i was all like ‘lol no’ so we decide to do it a week after my birthday. i am now thyroidless on meds for the rest of my life. multiple checkups a year. my immune system is now shot for 12 months because i had to have iodine radiation after the surgery to kill any left over cells and that means im screwed health wise for a while. but hey on the bright side IM ALIVE. im missing a major organ that helps everything else to function but in alive so praise be to God who hold all things together.

 

Thats my story,

The End

When Help is all you ever wanted.

It feels like being stuck in quick sand up to your neck with your hands in the air while the whole world continues to pass you by. Sometimes when things get really bad you want to scream and cry and shout and just generally throw things around hoping that someone will see you. That someone will notice that you’re in pain and need to be comforted. All you ever wanted was to just feel something other than the pain, other than the feeling of being alone, other than the empty shell of a person that you had become. Was it to much to ask? were you just having wishful thoughts? Why couldn’t anyone see that you were unable to talk about it? Why couldn’t anyone see that you were ashamed of the anger, that you were afraid about what everyone else thought. You believed that you weren’t normal. That normal people didn’t feel this way. you had believed this for so long that even if somebody had noticed the pain in your eyes behind the blank expression, pulling you out of that quicksand was going to be near impossible. Not impossible just very near impossible. So all you can hope for is that they continue to pull, to help you get free. because Help Is All You Ever Wanted….

 

a moment of contentment

To say that you are content is to say that you have obtained a state of happiness and satisfaction.

I can say right now, that I am content and that no about of prodding, pushing or shoving will change my mind…..at least not for a while haha. I think that today has been an amazing day so much good has happened. There have been those unexpected moments where you just don’t know whats going to happen next, like a Wanderers match where even though your team lost you can’t help but smile and cheer them on in the hope that they will hear you and feel all the encouragement that you have to give.

Those moments of happiness when you get to take your grandma out to lunch and enjoy the simple pleasure of spending time with the person you love more than anything, just you and her.

Lastly the moments of grumbling, of being cold and frozen from hail and rain. Seeing your breath because it is just that cold and having to stay that way till halftime of a soccer game and even then only managing to feel slight relief because you bought a jersey to change into.

But the second best moment is the feeling of relief where you get to come home to a house full of friends, family, basically all those you love and hold extremely close to your heart. Heading into a nice warm shower to feel all the tense muscles, all the cold just flow out of you like a warm calming stream on a summers day, and all the love, support and close moments of the day take the place of those cold and frozen areas.

I can so easily say right now that I am in a state of complete and utter contentment.

Thank you God for the gift of today. Thank you for the people you put in my path and I thank you for the coming days of unexpected moments. Of joy, sadness, stress and Contentment. I thank you for all of the moments you place in my daily life and in the lives of those around me.

AMEN

The Distractions

I believe that I am easily distracted. If someone was to say “oh look a distraction” I admit I would probably look. So right now as I write this I admit again this is a distraction….I’m at uni. I’m in a study room. I have work laid out in front of me, and what do I do. I decide to write a post on word press about being distracted by word press. I feel that this is the world trying to tell me something…..but I am afraid I must say to the world…..I DONT CARE….I love you guys so don’t change. Although I think that I need to just a bit when it comes to using my time wisely.

Lots of love

Emma

Technology Sucks

No matter how I looked at it what Faith had done was wrong. Until now I had never thought about the consequences of an action like posting a mean picture of someone on Facebook. Usually you expected the victim to treat it as a joke….. Well, not this time, this time Faith had gone to far and no matter who she was, no one picks on my best friend.
Ever.
It had been Jane and my first day at college and we were just unpacking our stuff into our dorm room when a knock was heard at our door. She told us that her name was Faith, she was blonde blue eyed and stood like she had a stick up her butt. she also mentioned that if we wanted an easy ride here then we better “conform” to her wishes, and she said it all with a straight face so I tried to hold in my laugh, my friend Jane on the other hand was not so successful. Bursting out laughing she said “yeah, and I’m the Queen of Sheba”. Faith going beet red looked like she was going to pounce. Turning to Jane I whispered ” I don’t think she was joking “. ” I know that’s what makes it so funny” she said holding her sides trying to stifle the giggles still emanating from her.
By this time Faiths perfectly manicured nails where reaching for my friends face to claw her eyes out. Seeing that the situation was escalating rather quickly, i grabbed her wrists and held them at her sides. Menacingly I whispered “you touch Jane and I will slap all of that caked up makeup mask you call a face right off” letting her go slowly she wobbled a step back and ran out of the room, you could still hear the “you’ll regret this” line coming from her glass lips. My dads favourite phrase popped up in my head “famous last words”. Turning around I could see Jane looking smugly at me as she said “wow first day and we already have an enemy, new record.” “Yeah but it was one were no matter what we did she would still hate us” I replied.
Jane had been my best friend since middle school she was the first person to make me feel at home when I moved from Ireland to Darwin and we had always been by each others side when we needed it the most especially after her parents died in that car accident, after that she came to live with me and my family . We had gotten up to so much trouble together, she taught me how to stand up for myself, and how to fight back. She was my sister even though we weren’t related by blood and no one messes with family. Even a blonde bitch that probably doesn’t know what ‘Doctor Who’ is. Little miss Faith was in my opinion plastic, and what do we do with plastic…… we recycle it. ” Jane dear, I have an idea” I said grinning evilly. “Ooh tell me, tell me, tell me” she replied enthusiastically. Jane always knew my ultimate revenge face and this was it. This was where all of our evil geniusness became combined. Mwa ha ha haa. ” I think plastic barbie doll Faith needs to be recycled into something new”, ” I’m liking it” she said. And that was our afternoon. Planing what to do about little miss Faith.
The one afternoon about 6 weeks later when I got back from my last class of the day I found Jane huddled in a corner and her laptop on the other side of the room walking over to Jane I asked her what was wrong, there had only been 2 times I had ever seen her this broken, one had been when her parents had died. I walked over to the laptop and picked it up looking at what ever had almost destroyed my best friend. It was a message from ‘The
plastic bitch’. Message title said ‘truce’ but then I clicked on it. I regretted it instantly. Sucking in a breath I hissed at the computer screen, Faith had photo shopped a school photo of Jane to a pregnant woman’s body. You know how I had said that I had only seen Jane in this condition twice before. Well, this was the other time. I had never told anybody about it but about 2 months ago Jane had had a miscarriage. Yep, my besty had been pregnant with her ex-boyfriends baby and she wanted to keep it. I was going to be an aunty, but something went wrong and she lost the baby, when to doctor had come back he gave her the worst news imaginable. He told her that she would never be able to have any more children.
My best friend was broken and it took a week just to get her to start talking again and three more just to see her smile. Two months later she was almost back to normal and now this happened. In a rage I threw the laptop out the window and walked over to Jane kneeling down I looked her in the eye and said ” come on, get on my back, in taking you to the nurses office the way you are now I don’t trust you to be on your own” nodding she got
onto my back and I gave her a piggyback all the way to the nurses office. When the nurse asked what happened I just told her to wait and that there was still one more to come but that she would be unconscious, and before the nurse could object I raced out of the sickbay and went in search of Faith.
I came to a stop at the sound of Faiths laugh in the lounge room of the campus. walking towards the door Faiths laugh was emanating from I walked through the door and when she saw me stood up calmly from the seat that she had taken and said “did Jane enjoy her present”, striding up to her I looked her dead in the eye and said in a voice so cold I bearly recognised it as mine ” not as much as I’m going to enjoy giving you mine” and with that I gave her a big right hook. Before she had even registered what had happened she was falling to the floor knocked out with a split lip. ” this is all your fault, and you don’t even know the damage your little stunt has caused” I hissed in my lilting irish accent as I walked out.
Seeing one of the professors in the corridor near the student lounge, I walked up to him and told him everything and that Jane and I would like an official transfer to a different college. He sadly accepted the task of arranging the transfer papers and I told him about barbie Faith and how I had KO’d her and that she would need someone to take her to the sickbay. And again he sadly accepted the task but this time I noticed the slightly amused look in his eyes. With that I went back to the sick bay to collect Jane from the sickbay. Seeing her asleep on one of the cots I sidled up next to her gave her an encouraging hug. In the end, I ended up falling asleep next to her waiting for the papers that would send us to a new world of possibilities and choices, and hoping that they would be better ones that today’s.
Finished……
The end……
Go away

The final boxes

Once a nurse now a patient I lay on the hospital bed gasping in pain, dear god how did I let him talk me into having a baby I thought.“Alright I’m going to have to ask you to lie perfectly still” my nurse said evenly. She was a young thing, 19 years at most. “Emily I’m going to have to ask you not to push just yet, I know you want to right now, but we need to re-position the babies head because at the moment your baby is sitting sideways, so I’m just going to push on one side and then the other after that I will tell you when it’s ok to push, do you understand” she looked at me seriously as if to say that if I didn’t do precisely what she said that I could very likely loose my baby, so I nodded weakly at her. After what seemed like hours she finally said “Ok, on the count of three. One. Two. THREE! PUSH!” I screamed and pushed with what energy I had left and an hour later I heard the sounds of a babies cries coming from the arms of the nurse.

” It’s a healthy baby boy” the nurse said bringing my child to me and placing him in my arms “shall I bring in your husband now Emily”. I nodded distractedly, just openly staring in wonder at our creation.

“Emily” Jeff said standing beside me “I love you, I love our baby, and the only other thing I can say before I become speechless is, what are we going to name him?”. Without hesitation I replied “James Robert Morgan” and all my wonderful husband said back was……”perfect”.

Looking up from James to Jeff I sighed with contentment and said……”it’s time”. Almost everything faded out. Everything except my husband and out baby, behind Jeff the dazzling pearl white box with the sapphire ribbon appeared. Its then that Jeff held his hand
out to me. Without needing to think I take his hand and say ” I love you”

The ribbon fell away and the box crumbled to nothing leaving behind a bright blinding light that filled and destroyed the black void. It was then that I was home in the arms of my love walking thought heavens gates.

Never looking back.

THE END

the third box

“Oh, you look so beautiful in that dress” said my friend Tabitha from behind me. Tabitha had been one of the other nurses during world war 2, she had been my best friend and the only one able to keep me sane. Even after 3 years we had still kept in touch and when Jeff had asked me to marry him she was the first person i had called to tell and then i asked her to be my maid of honour.

“I hope I don’t fall on my face, this dress is so long” I said preying to god that I didn’t embarrass myself, “what if he is disappointed when he sees me and backs out” I added already getting cold feet. “don’t worry I’ve seen this again and again. Jeff wont be able to look away, he will be so dazzled, and you my dear will barely be able to hold back tears as he says the words ‘I do’ “. she always was the dramatic one.

In the background I heard the church bells announcing for my wedding to start and Tabitha handed me my bouquet as I walked to the only doors separating me from the rest of the church guests and Jeff and you know what? Tabitha was right…. well almost, I did cry when he said ‘I do’ but then so did he when I reciprocated those feelings.

Taking my hand as we exited the church Jeff kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear “its time”

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

Almost there 2 to go. One crimson, one sapphire. Without hesitation I tenderly wrapped my hand around the last crimson ribbon and gently pulled.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

the second box

“Hey Emily, are you okay” said Jeff waving his hand in front of my face. Jerking out of my daze i realized that i had been staring at my coffee for the past 5 minutes.
“sorry, I was just thinking” I replied.
“about what?”.
“well our lives have just started to settle down, the war is over and i don’t patch soldiers up anymore. I feel relieved and yet worried….I still have those god awful nightmares” i added absentmindedly whilst stirring my coffee. ” all of those poor families, I couldn’t save them all, no matter how hard I tried” I whispered scared that if I spoke any louder that I’d start to cry.

Jeff  quickly snatched my other hand, the one that wasn’t stirring the coffee and looked me in the eye, and holding my gaze the said softly but in complete seriousness “you did your job, you did everything that you could do, the rest was up to their own abilities” his eyes softened as he stood up still holding my hand.

Changing to a better topic I stood up, walked past him and said “come on, I seem to remember that you promised a movie after the coffee”.  Smiling he place my hand in the crook of his arm and led me to the theater like a gentleman. As he opened the door of  the cinema for me, he gave me his most mischievous, Cheshire cat grin and announced charmingly “it’s time”

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

Back at the boxes. Only 3 to go. I stared at the center box for a minute or two and then stretched my hand out to grasp the crimson ribbon, but when I latched on there wasn’t any ribbon there and instead of a box I was faced with a mirror image of myself.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

The first box

Lying in my bed I knew it was the end. I knew that tonight would be the last time I fell asleep and that this time I wasn’t going to wake up. But I wasn’t scared.
No, I was content with my life.
Yeah, I may regret a few things but then doesn’t everyone.
I had lived a full life.
I had lived, loved and lost.

I had been a nurse in world war 2. I met my beloved husband Jeffrey there, and I would meet him again after tonight.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

“Em, Em, Emily, WAKE UP!” Said my friend Tabitha, urgently shaking me awake.
“What is it Tab’s, 5 more minutes” I Said groggily hugging my pillow.
“we have casualties by the dozen, its getting sticky out there Em I need your help” she said desperately. That woke me up, all of a sudden my mind was sharp and awake. Before I knew it I had tied my apron around my waist poised to do the task at hand.
“Alright let’s go and see the damage” I said already racing out of the nurses break room.

Racing out of the bunker I could hear the gunfire and bombshells going off over head. I had never truly realized how soundproof the bunker was. I didn’t chase that thought though and as we approached the makeshift hospital my mind went into work mode as I watched soldier upon soldier being hauled through the swinging doors. Immediately my eyes separated the soldiers into 2 groups. The soldiers that could be saved, and the ones that could only be made as comfortable as possible. I sighed at the numbers.

“You there, no the bartender, of course you” i snapped at one of the nurses doing nothing but standing around being unhelpful. “Get some help and put that injured soldier into room 2B and take these ones with you” I said pointing individually to each injured soldier that I knew without a doubt wouldn’t last the night and could only be made as comfortable as possible.

Once all the soldiers I’d pointed to were gone, the difference was astronomical. I understood perfectly well that those soldiers were people. People with families, and that those families wouldn’t be receiving their son, husband, brother, or nephew home alive ever again. It was sad. Very sad in fact, but I had no time to cry. “Hey Tabitha, grab some of the other nurses and get the rest of the injured prepped and ready for surgery, while I go and fetch the doctors” I said to my friend behind me. “Ok Em, will do. Carol, Janice, Nicole, come with me” I heard Tab’s say in the distance as I ran to find the doctors.

Entering the doctors break room, I find the doctors that weren’t on duty sitting down having tea. Gasping I rasp “please. Help. New soldiers. Immediate. Surgical. Attention”. Of course after hearing this they all spurred into action, cups of tea long forgotten on the tables. As the last of the doctors piled out through the door one of them stops, and he winks at me. Cheeky thing. Smiling he asks me seriously “whats your name nurse?”. Surprised I reply “Emily McCaelin”, “well Emily McCaelin, I’m Jeff Morgan. Lacing his fingers together he stretched them in front of himself and said “it’s time“.

At that point my vision faded away into a pitch black void.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

all of a sudden 5 white boxes appear in the black void. The first had been opened but the next three were unopened and tied with a crimson ribbon, but the last was a very beautiful white box with a pearly sheen and tied with a bright sapphire ribbon. I really wanted to open the last box, but something to open the boxes in order. from the open box to the pearly box, left to right, 1 to 5. I went with my instincts and opened the crimson ribboned box next to the already opened one

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*